Like an expectant mother giving birth, I’m listing these from utterly the most painful and excruciating films I’ve witnessed on the big screen.
I’m only listing my TOP THREE because I honestly think making a top ten of horrible movies would just be a painful read through and through – so I’m cutting off that suffering and anguish to just three.
Tomorrow (or possibly in the coming days) I’ll post my Top Ten Best (aka the best parts of Childbirth)
(I dreamed a dream that… I wanted my 2 hours and 40 minutes back)
1. Les Miserables
I should’ve known going in that this movie was going to be miserable based on the title alone – I just didn’t know it was going to be THIS MISERABLE. (Note that I have not seen the Broadway show, nor the non-musical version with Liam Neeson. I saw this movie knowing very little of the main plot but extremely familiar of the songs even though I did not know them in context to the story.)
Let’s start with the cause of my pain and anguish – Academy Award winning director Tom Hooper. A filmmaker who won for his last film The King’s Speech and tries so desperately to one up his work with his “stylish” (read distracting) camera angles and plodding directorial style. In his attempt to innovate he loses the viewer in actually appreciating what’s on screen. And I’m sure people will see it as “different” and “exciting” but annoying is all I got out of it.
Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe were HORRIFYINGLY bad in their singing talent. Crowe, I knew going in, was going to suck, so I expected it, but Jackman, who has won a Tony on Broadway, was absolutely dreadful as the lead character. His voice veered ever so closely into Ethel Merman territory with bad vocal-pitches and even worse range. The live singing style helped NO ONE in this film and it felt more like something to impress Broadway snobs rather than entertain the movie going public.I’ll give props to one performer, Anne Hathaway but the rest were downright dreadful (Sorry Samantha Barks, your “On My Own” would’ve given me pause to appreciate it, if I wasn’t so distracted by the fact that you sang this in the rain, and NONE OF THE RAINDROPS HIT YOUR FACE – I realize why that was done, but Jesus man, DON’T LET HER SING IN THE RAIN IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO). Hathaway most likely will steal a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for this, but in my opinion, she was much better as Catwoman if we’re going to praise one performance of hers this year.
Les Miserables gets my vote as the worst only because with this much talent going for it and with such a worldly popular book and Broadway show, it surprised me how much of a thud it came to my senses as I finished watching it.
2. Snow White and The Huntsman
Again I pose the question I asked after I saw this film – why does Kristen Stewart get hired for work? The mouth-breathing horrifying sucktitude of her acting, of which she calls “talent” should never be witnessed by any man, woman or child on the big screen or any screen for that matter. Her mastery of one expression that she holds throughout this movie is like an acting teacher’s worst nightmare come true. Her wooden dialogue reading (which includes a pathetic Braveheart-esq speech towards the end) sounded worse than nails on a chalkboard. And that sad thing is, we have to root for her!
The witch in this story, played with delicious evil glee by Charlize Theron, tries to save the film, even with the help of some creative CGI (the birds sequence comes to mind) – but even she couldn’t save the overly long plot, the creepy CGI’d “dwarfs” and the sequence of pure pointlessness involving a deer (Aslan, is that you!?!?). It sickens me that this movie made so much money and that a sequel is in the works.
3. The Hobbit
Yeah I’ll say it… it sucked. Hard. Long after the high praises of Peter Jackson’s Lord of The Rings Trilogy comes another Trilogy from the director, that of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit. Seriously, did we really need a small children’s book to be broken down into three pointlessly long films?
It became an act of pure torture for me when I realized the film had already passed the one hour mark and we were STILL IN THE SHIRE and watching in utter pain, a cast of characters that were an absolute bore. None of them providing any reason to root for them in their quest. A quest that was filled with giant sequences that have nothing to do with one another, except maybe to show what a great special effects house WETA has become (I think it’s time for ILM to take back the special effects crown). Speaking of George Lucas and ILM, this looks to be Peter Jackson’s Phantom Menace – so I hope things can only get better from here.
The Best of the Best is tomorrow (hopefully)…